“I Understand”
In church yesterday, our pastor referenced a show which asked people what they wanted to hear God say when they got to Heaven’s pearly gates. He said that he remembered one actor answering, “I Understand.”
Who doesn’t want understanding. That’s a part of why I blog, I’m sure, to feel like somehow my feelings and actions are shared with someone, somewhere, who might understand and therefore validate them. I also blog so that someone, somewhere, who might be looking to see that they are not alone in their walk, has someone like me (who shares EVERYTHING) there for them to see that they are not alone. Of course, there are many other reasons, but it really did get me thinking.
If I were to arrive at the pearly gates, and God were to tell me “I understand,” would I accept that? Would my selfish, exhausted nature allow me to put aside my apparent conviction that no one does truly understand and trust that God does. Would knowing that He understands be enough for me? Or would I respond, “but do you really?”, or get caught up in frustration that though he understands, he still left me to my own devices?
I’m not saying that God doesn’t understand. I know in my heart that he does. I can’t fathom him NOT understanding. He is all knowing, all powerful, wise. I think that we sometimes get so caught up in thinking that no matter how much someone can empathize, no one will ever truly understand. We think that no one can ever walk our particular walk, and there is some truth to that. But when did it become so important for everyone to understand.
I struggle with my self-esteem. I know few honest people who do not, or have not. Because I do not always believe my value, I look to others to reassure me. Somehow, hearing it from someone else is better than thinking it. Perhaps I am afraid I am big-headed or overly impressed with myself. Or perhaps I trust them more than myself.
Anyway… the sermon got me thinking, because whether I am the only person in a room or one of thousands – whether everyone agrees or disagrees with me – whether I am loved or hated – whether I am what I think I am, or not – I am ultimately alone… with God. No matter the circumstances, the company, the consequences… It’s me and God. That is reassuring and frightening (like our pastor mentioned), and gives me cause to pause sometimes.
So on these nights, when I may not get much sleep, when my day has been full of chores and baby-chasing and cooking and dog walking and life… I know that whether I hear it put into words or not – GOD UNDERSTANDS. Bigger a thought than that… it’s NOTHING compared to what He has done, what He has seen, and what he knows. And suddenly… my big day – well, it feels a little smaller.
