The Waiting Game

We all have struggles. I have struggled my whole life with many things. I have never been able to grasp that not all people can be helped because not all people want to be helped. I have struggled with the fear that anyone I upset will beat me up. I have struggled with the mental image of myself – unattractive, insignificant and un-cared for. I have struggled with the drive to be a mother and a wife, but a lack of motivation in most other areas of my life. I have struggled with dependence and depression.

When it really comes down to it, the desire to be there for people when they do want help is a good thing to have.

When it really comes down to it, although I’ve had threats on my body and even my life, no one has ever “beat me up”. In fact, I’ve never really ever been in a fight.

When it really comes down to it, beauty is more than sizes and styles. God created me specifically. He knows how many hairs are on my head, and he knew my name before I was even in my mother’s womb. The man I married thinks I am the most beautiful woman there is. I have love, I have compassion and I am special.

When it really comes down to it, being a mother and a wife are my ultimate goals, but I need to put effort into everything I do every day.

When it really comes down to it, I am scared of going to the grocery store alone, or being in a crowd. My fears are unsubstantiated and unnecessary.

When it really comes down to it, I’m a work-in-progress.

We thought I was pregnant, I’m not. We thought we found a house to buy, it wasn’t as good a deal as it looked. I thought about giving up, I can’t.

I bought a tiny little bible. It fits in my purse. I read it each day. It answers questions, it makes things clearer, it brings me closer to God.

This isn’t heaven. Things aren’t perfect. But life goes on. There are more important things than fear and pride and expectations. I am trying to remember all of this.